Dear Kate Winslet,
Remember that scene in Titanic where you and Leonardo Dicaprio are so cold that you look like this?
Yeah, me neither. It’s been ages since I saw that movie. But the above picture describes perfectly how cold Emily and I were when we showed up to Rose Bowl on Sunday at 5:45 AM. I was pretty much wearing a speedo and a backpack and my teeth were chattering (I think I need to hire someone to dress me in the morning, I’m a total idiot). Emily was dressed more sensibly, but by the end of the morning neither of us could feel our feet. I tell you this not to make you feel sorry for us, but to let you know how very dedicated we are at beating people to the best deals at the Bowl. We love our clients enough to freeze to death in order to find furniture for them.
We liked this chesterfield for $800. Emily was all “It’s real leather!” and then I was like “No it isn’t.” and then she was like “You ruin everything.” And that was that.
Emily practically started making out with this sofa when she saw it. It’s freshly reupholstered velvet that you just want to stick your whole face in. $750. A steal! We didn’t buy it because we didn’t have a client for it and Emily’s blue sofa collection is getting out of hand. (I’m scared).
If Brian ever asks me what he can do to keep Emily interested, I’m going to tell him to dress up in a wicker costume. I mean, every time that girl sees something wicker she’s all over it. I like wicker too, but I think wicker is a lot harder for dudes to get away with so I tend to run the other way when I see it. This was $300. I had to pull Emily away from it, kicking and screaming.
This was one of those moments when you’re like “Is this cool? Or ugly?” And then you blink and when you open your eyes you realize it’s hideous and feel ashamed for looking at it in the first place. God, why am I so mean today? I think it’s my OrlanDiet. I’M SO HUNGRY!
We bought this delightful table for our equally delightful client. $695.
Who doesn’t love a worn leather suitcase? $20.
Get this: 90 yards of fabric for $90. That’s a dollar a yard! Trust me, I was a math major. (No I wasn’t). And it’s so cool. I hope there’s some left over for me to make Hammer Pants out of.
Little brass table, come to me. $30.
Hi Woven Chair, I just love those turned arms! $75.
Those Kilim pillows are killin’ em! $40/set of 2.
We wanted to buy this coffee table for our friend Corbett but instead we bought it for our other friend Rachna. $300.
We purchased this suave guy for a bachelor pad we’re doing. $135.
These French friends are going to be king chairs at another home we’re decorating. $90/set 2.
Look at these little brass antelope bookends! $40.
We bought this classic dresser for our bachelor pad. I kind of coveted it, but I already have a dresser and it would be rude to steal from our clients. Right? $400.
Dear World, I’m a brass-legged side table and I’m the cutest thing ever. Love, Brass Side Table
We bought these two mid-century chairs for a project we like to call “The Cool House” (because the clients are so cool). We thought the retro fabric on the left might scare the homeowners. So if they don’t want it I’m taking it home. I’ll name him Harold and he will be my new boyfriend. We’ll argue about how he’s such an old fuddy duddy and can’t keep up with the times. Eventually, he’ll undergo a massive surgery so that I will love him again. I’m scared that I just made that story up. The pair cost $600.
Do you think it’s okay for a boy to have one of these crazy big round loungers? Because I really want one. This one was pretty rad. Emily was all “I love the pattern!” and then I was like “EWWWWWWW! That COLOR!” and she was like “I’m not talking about the stupid color I’m talking about the pattern!” and then we were fighting and then we made up and then we hugged. $300.
We bought this ugly old vinyl ottoman for $60. But guess what, this ugly old vinyl ottoman is going to be reupholstered in sumptuous linen and is going to be the most glamourous coffee table ottoman ever known to man. So there.
We thought this dresser was cute. But it was an actual piece of junk so we passed. Literally falling apart before our eyes. $125.
I don’t know why I took a picture of this. Probably because it was so disgusting. Reupholstered they’d be totally cute Hollywood glam, but who let their cat EAT these things? I mean, just imagining what happened to them is giving me nightmares. $300/pair.
We found these fun French jugs. They’re big, and weren’t cheap. Sometimes you gotta pay the price. $160/set 3.
All in all, it was the most fulfilling day of our lives. Once the sun came up, the freezing weather subsided and was replaced by warmth, fun, and about five million people eating hot dogs right in front of my face. Afterward, Emily, Corbett and I went to Secret Lunch (at a location SO secret, no one will ever find it) and talked about how we’d remember our day at the Rose Bowl forever, and would someday tell this legend to our grandchildren and their grandchildren. No we didn’t. We talked about boys can clothes and the mall. We’re only human.